More Officers Are Taking Their Lives than Are Being Killed in the Line of Duty

In the wake of all the officers being targeted and murdered at the hands of lawless individuals, I want to share with you something that is not being talked about. Did you know that more officers are taking their own lives than are being killed in the line of duty? According to studies by The Badge of Life, 15-18% of active duty police officers suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I was one of those statistics and therein lies the reason I am compelled to share my story.

Recently I was talking with a fellow police officer who also served 21 years with his agency and he told me about his struggle with PTSD. When he sought help through his department, they labeled him as crazy and he finally resigned and felt dishonorable, ashamed, and utterly broken. He, too, contemplated suicide and was eventually hospitalized. His story is like thousands of others who have struggled with the trauma working in the caustic world of law enforcement and being “tossed aside like garbage” because of the stigma associated with coming forward for help.

I will never forget that “9-1-1” day in my life after being targeted by the “good ol’ boys” in my agency. I had to endure a lengthy bogus investigation that brought me to the end of myself—that place of hopelessness where the pain is so intense that you are numb. Pioneering as one of the first female officers in my department came with a price and it would ultimately cost me everything. I learned to suck it up and stuff the pain so that I could disconnect emotionally and function.

I hid the pain behind the badge like so many of my fellow officers who turned to alcohol or drugs to numb themselves. My escape from the pain was sports. I used to run marathons, which I didn’t realize at the time connected me with physical pain so I could relieve some of the emotional pain. Like many officers, I couldn’t tell anyone what I was going through because they just wouldn’t understand, so I isolated myself and put the walls up. Being a woman in a male dominated profession only added to the isolation I felt, and I knew any sign of weakness would have brought the wolves in for the kill.

On a rainy day in August 1997 I shut my dogs in the house and went out in my backyard sitting in the rain with my pistol in my lap. I took the gun that I used to protect and serve as a police officer and leveled it at my temple. But before I could bring myself to pull the trigger, I made a desperate 9-1-1 call—not to the police department but to Heaven. To my surprise, God answered and rescued me!

I share this story because our law enforcement officers and their families, especially the wounded warriors who are silently suffering, need our prayers and support. The next time you see an officer, would you greet them with a warm smile and thank them for their service? Those little gestures go a long way. And remember there is a God who loves and deeply cares about us. He is the ultimate rescuer!

(Full story in chapter one, Rescued, of “Bright Lights, Dark Places“)