Who Stole My Identity? The Real Issue Behind Homosexuality

In my early teens I began to struggle with my sexuality. I wanted nothing to do with boys; in fact, I wanted to be one! I grew up in a military family, the oldest of four children. My dad was in the Air Force so we lived on base where I spent hours playing army with the neighborhood boys. We had this huge oak tree in our backyard that had a branch long enough it reached the neighbor’s house. When I climbed the tree I would get on that branch and drop down onto the roof so I could jump off, pretending to be a paratrooper. I can’t tell you how many times I got in trouble for my army adventures, but it never discouraged me.

In spite of my desire to be one of the boys, I never felt comfortable around them, which stemmed from an incident that happened when I was ten years old. My dad had gone off to Vietnam, and when he returned he was a different person. He began to drink heavily and abuse my mom. One night my dad came home late from work, drunk as usual. I could hear my parents yelling and screaming as dishes crashed against a wall, and suddenly there was a deadening silence.

After comforting my siblings who had jumped into bed with me, terrorized by the violent fighting, I got out of bed and walked down the hall toward the light in the kitchen. When I looked around the corner I was horrified to see my 6’2” dad crouched over my 5’2” mom, choking the life out of her. Her eyes were bulging and her lips and fingernails were blue and I knew I had to do something quickly. So I ran to the stove, grabbed a heavy skillet, and swung with all my strength, hitting my dad on the back of the head. It stunned him and he released my mom, only to turn that drunken rage toward his daughter, knocking me unconscious.

That night our life dramatically changed when my mom piled four kids into her car and we ran away from home. The trauma I experienced at the hands of my dad and the hatred toward my own gender who I saw as weak opened the door to the thief that would steal my identity as a woman. When I got older I became a target of abuse and discrimination by men in my career, which only perpetuated the fear, and I made a vow to never let a man near me. It was then I began to look toward my own gender for comfort.

I had my first sexual experience with a woman while in college, and lived most of my adult life in the homosexual lifestyle, believing I was born that way. It had never occurred to me that the doubts I was having about my sexuality were the result of fiery darts launched at me by an invisible enemy who was out to steal my identity and my destiny. The battle was occurring in my mind and as I began to believe the lies that I was born gay, I built a stronghold in my mind in order to justify my behavior and keep the pain out. It has been an eighteen-year journey coming out of the deception and being restored by my Creator. So as you navigate this issue in our culture, please remember that there is another side to what you are hearing and to be open to hearing it.

(Full story in chapter 13 Who Am I? of Bright Lights, Dark Places)